Friday, September 01, 2006

Passion and Suicide

I happened to read the suicide note of Kurt Cobain, vocalist for the awesome alternative rock band Nirvana. A sad end to a very passionate and creative spark. And this note kind of gives a glimpse of what was in the man's head.

To Boddah

Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.

All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.

For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.

On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!

I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.

I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.

Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.

Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain

Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.


Here is the image of the actual note:

Boddah, apparently was Kurt's imaginary childhood friend. As he grew up, Boddah became the ideal of what Kurt thought he should be like.

I admire the passion in such people and sometimes I wish I was really passionate about something, anything, but it looks like I am passionate about nothing. I was passionate about a lot of things a long time ago, or rather I like to think I was. Even so, somethimes I think that maybe being very passionate about something is not so good too. It could consume you. Confused :-)

Added later:
OK, as required by M, I have to acknowledge that the reason why I read a little more about Kurt and and his death is because she brought up his topic. OK, Are you happy now?


Anonymous M said...

'brought up his topic' eh :D you are not as evil as you could be! of course, i am happy :D

6:25 AM  
Blogger vcr said...

In a quiz I had conducted way back in engg. I had shown people this letter and asked them to identify it. Such fun it was listening to all the guesses.

You can hardly see his name and his handwriting is all over the place like that of a kid. Or was it all the dope? Anyway, everyone is not sure that all the writing is entirely his.

6:55 AM  
Blogger tantrik-porter said...

Yes, apparently, the last few lines are suspect

7:05 AM  
Blogger Kiran said...

hmmm passion!
nikhil banerjee
sirgey krillow
le corbusier
charles eames
Roberto Benigni
you have just one life for a taste of passion

12:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey that is a really nice post!
but people say that it wuz not a suicide but a murder, wat do u think!?

8:59 PM  

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